sleeping beauties
by rantywoman
Women today don’t need men to support them financially. Women can also travel alone, pursue just about any hobby alone, and purchase property on their own. Really, there’s nothing women can’t do on their own these days, even though it can be an uphill battle financially.
What’s come as a rude surprise to me as an older single woman, though, is the fact that women still need men for social validation. At some point– I’d peg it around 35– a woman starts to become invisible if she is alone. A bit of an embarrassment. Uninvited to dinner parties. Thought of as a problem if thought of at all.
My recently divorced friend feels it. All of a sudden, she is no longer invited out with the friends she used to socialize with as a couple.
As an ever single, it’s almost as if I no longer register it. I just don’t hear from my coupled friends. Period.
In the current economic climate, I doubt if most men feel “privileged,” so they may be unaware that they still hold this power. The power to grant a woman social viability. The power to bring Sleeping Beauty into the world of the living with a kiss. Unaware of the power they hold, men can be unintentionally insensitive, insisting to the women they date that they don’t want a commitment, while at the same time judging older, single women as having something wrong with them. It’s as if they can’t see that when men refuse to commit, some women, by default, will end up single.
For both women and men, it’s unfortunate that women’s social viability still rests on their shoulders. Many men obviously don’t like, want, or feel up to the responsibility, and it’s unfair to women to have to place their fate in something that isn’t under their control.
For those of us who are still single in our forties and beyond, we have to carve out a life on the margins. With no roadmap, as I’ve mentioned before. Facing a blank space, alone.
I think this social dynamic, by necessity, will change. There will just be too many older single women. In the meantime, it is up to us to forge the path. I think we have no other choice but to see it as an opportunity.
I’m happy to see “Life Without Baby” taking on this topic today:
So, if you’re a gal who happens to be childfree and single, join the conversation. Comment on posts and share your unique perspectives. Check out the “childless couples—childless singles” discussion initiated by Elena K. Start your own discussion or create a group on our Home page. If you’d like to submit a guest post on this subject, visit this link for more information.
Please share your hurts, your reflections, your questions, your experiences. I wish I could have told my younger self, “You matter. You have something to contribute. You are appreciated and loved just as you are.” If you need to hear that, your LWB sisters are here to remind you that it’s true.
thebitterbabe 
I went to my best friends wedding without a date, when the photographer got to my table he looked at me and said ‘I’ll come back when your boyfriend gets back’ he thought my invisible date had gone to the toilet! I was in my twenties at the time, I think it effects anyone who is single in a predominately couples environment and it is unbelievably wrong single women should not feel like a second class person. I would rather be single than in a relationship that is wrong.
Yes, I still think being in a bad relationship is the worst.
There are lonely men out there too. It’s not just an older women thing despite the purpose of your blog. The longer “one woman dates(years) one man” that does not lead to marriage or children she also uses up many years of other single men who remain single who she could have possibly dated that could of lead to marriage or children.
Im a 29 yr-old man who never dated or had a girlfriend up until recently where I managed to get a one night stand. If I didn’t take life into my own hands when i was in my early 20s I would be a virgin today up until a few months ago.
Trust me for average looking short men it’s no picnic either in the dating world. Your not alone! You can take some comfort in that.
Welcome to the blog. Thanks for writing.
I can’t agree with the “male privilege” idea. We have to start seeing each other as people each with our unique strengths, challenges and pain. Men feel A LOT of pain when they are alone. Often, much much more than women because, not always but most of the time, women have more support systems to help them. Women tend to have more people/groups get them thru their aloneness. Men don’t have that. Men usually give their hearts to a woman and when a woman leaves the relationship, their goes thier safe place. Male friends do not fulfill this. It is mostly the women in men’s lives that give them solace and place to vent their feelings.
Men are also judged harshly if single, especially if they are never married. I can’t tell you how many times I read on single women blogs where the women, even though chronically single, refuse to give a man who has never been married a chance. Ditto for short men, poor men, and maybe even old men.
Believe me, men have thier pain, too. I don’t think it helps us to not see this. More compassion and understanding all around would be helpful for all of us.
You might like the podcast listed in my post “mangst” (my new word for male angst). As the podcast goes along, though, it seems like the men want all the good things from a relationship– housekeeping, support, massages– without the commitment. It’s interesting.