motivation
by rantywoman
When I visited with my friend, the new mother, today, I mentioned a good book to her, and she responded that she currently doesn’t have much time to read. This is understandable, as she is also working full-time, but I wonder if she has, at least temporarily, lost her drive to read and write.
One of the primary motivations of reading and writing for me is the search for meaning. With new roles as a wife and mother, my friend may not feel that motivation quite as keenly, at least at the present time. Contentment may not be the greatest intellectual spur.
All this reminded me of the new Gateway Women post:
- Being a mother is, perhaps, one of the most important jobs on the planet. Even world leaders, prophets and dictators answer to their mothers, for good or ill!
- Being a mother in our culture is meaningful, has status and gets you out of your own way forever.
- As a friend once said to me when she had her first child “I don’t have to worry what my life’s about any more” – being a mother is an existential ‘get out of jail free’ card. You’re off the hook, meaning-wise.
If you don’t have children, you can’t delegate the major part of your happiness, fulfillment and meaning to your role as a mother and your delight in your children. You have to do it for yourself. And the feedback loop is invisible – no cheery little people smiling and hugging you, no knowing smiles of approval from other parents, no special day in the calendar to tell you how wonderful you are and how much you mean not just to your family, but to the whole flipping world.
Whilst motherhood is a lifetime of hard work, the results are tangible (even if you don’t like them or they bring you great sadness) and once you have a child, irreversible. Creating a life of meaning as a woman without children is a promise to ourselves that no-one forces us to keep and which has to be renewed daily.
I’m really confused by your blog.
Sometimes you say you have no real friends, then other times you talk about times when it appears you do and many of them.
How many friends do you really have?
In an average month, how many people are you in contact with and how?
The friend I mentioned in this post lives on the other side of the country; I haven’t seen her in ten years. This post describes my current situation pretty well; I was out with two of these women last night: https://thebitterbabe.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/out-there/
I have a few other acquaintances–maybe two or three- I see every few months and enjoy talking with some of my coworkers but the person I was closest to recently moved to another state, and he lived about an hour from me when he was here. I have one friend I talk to on the phone maybe a couple of times a month. Perhaps this is par for the course when one is older and living in a giant metropolis… I’m sure it is why people want to pair off.
I think people use the word ‘friend’ in different ways. To me it is just as special as the word ‘boyfriend’ or even ‘love’. I don’t use it lightly because it holds too much meaning for me. I have one real friend – one person with whom I feel safe enough to fully reveal myself. She is married and we see each other about 5 times/year. The few others I talk to are too fleeting, or, our connection too goal/topic-dependent to consider them my friends. I can honestly say I have not chatted on the phone with a girlfriend for about five years.
I think I will soon be in the same boat in terms of no longer chatting on the phone with girlfriends. I never thought I’d be able to survive that, but it looks like I am.
Thanks Ranty for reblogging this 🙂
This post has got a lot of response, including being posted on a childfree thread on Reddit where it elicited some fair, and some vicious, responses. But that’s fine – I gave it a very emotive title because I’ve discovered that many of the readers who end up at the Gateway Women site type some version of it into Google to find me.
I just wanted to say thank you, and thank you for being such a constant companion and inspiration over this year. It has been a pleasure to accompany you on your journey to the heart of what so many of us struggle with – creating and honouring sustainable meaning in our day to day lives.
I’m sure it’s a book you know well, but I re-read Julia Cameron’s ‘The Artist’s Way’ in the last couple of days, and it blew me away – I really do think that creativity is the absolute CORE of recovery from involuntary childlessness.
Hugs,
Jody x
http://www.gateway-women.com
I read The Artist’s Way years ago but hadn’t thought of it in this context– I’ll have to take another look!
I’m sorry you had to deal with the vicious comments. I’ve come to believe that any woman who writes or speaks publicly about relationship and family issues, no matter what her stance, is going to endure some vitriol.
I really appreciate your blog and hope you write more about your workshops someday– perhaps in a book?
This year has been a roller coaster for me. I think I’ve come a long way, and then things occur that just bring me back down again. It’s definitely two steps forward one step back.