brunch accomplished
by rantywoman
As predicted, it was good to see my friend. Her husband was quite nice, and their baby was cute and sweet-natured.
Also as predicted, the visit was bittersweet. Discussing my current dilemmas turned out to be somewhat unavoidable. I was asked if I was still in touch with two or three former girlfriends, and in each case, the answer was no. I also had to confess that I was no longer in regular touch with anyone we attended high school with, all of whom have families now. I revealed that I hadn’t heard from my “non-boyfriend” since we ended things. I was asked about future plans and admitted I might be leaving my job and moving again next year because I was afraid of growing old and alone here. Although I tried to be matter of fact about it all, I thought to myself, “Good God, I am a real Debbie Downer.”
The thing is, my friend is happy. Of course, I know lots of people in difficult marriages, who are divorced, or who have problems with their children. My friend, though, however rocky and uncertain her path may have been in the past, now seems content and relatively trouble-free. She seems to be entering “the good years.” Her sisters also both had children late in life, so there were funny stories of them visiting each other with their young kids in tow.
I do seem to be on par with them financially, so there is that. Otherwise, the visit brought into stark relief just how unhappy I am and how difficult things have been these past few years. I fear being Negative Nellie, but on the other hand, I cannot be truthful without admitting some of these things.
My friend, along with a few others, are dying to know the name of my blog; as you can see, I have to keep it under wraps.
I don’t know that it’s negative … that has such judgement attached. It’s just sad. People like your friend don’t know how to respond, and people like us get it. It’s a conundrum. My closest friend has no idea I struggle with loneliness and fear about being alone in the world. But, it’s easier for me to slough it off because I see her often enough that our time is filled with other, less significant facts and feelings about day-to-day life. I think it’s much harder in a situation like with your friend where the contact is minimal and ‘catching up’ means getting only a snapshot. I’ve learned to avoid those encounters. My rule of thumb is: If the friendships were such that I was able to spontaneously be myself before, then I will likely be able to share more honestly during our contact now. This may generate sadness or tears on my part … but the hug will also be real and I will leave feeling cared about. If the original relationship was lacking in depth, it ain’t gonna offer much now if our lives are so different. Better to stay home with a good book.
That being said, your perseverance with these genuinely challenging situations is admirable! Now go find that book …
I used to be able to talk to this friend, so there is that. She didn’t react much to my current stories, but after seeming impressed at my current career here and potential job opportunities, and then hearing the reasons why I was reluctant to stay, she concluded that the money wouldn’t be worth it and I should return “home” if I would feel more supported there.
She in general seemed content and fairly placid; I mentioned a good book to her and she said she no longer had much time to read.
It was a beautiful day here and I went for a long swim after the visit and am going out with some single friends tonight, all of which is helping to brighten my mood.
That sounds perfect – a long swim and time with friends who understand you today. Getting back into the moment and out of the ‘snapshot’. Hope it helped : )
Just last night I was reading something about compassion (can tell the excitment of my Saturdays!). And it said many people think they are being compassionate but it’s really a sense of superiority and pity rather than true compassion. It said true compassion comes from a feeling of “oneness” like in as “for the grace of God there go I”, not giving the “other” a sense of inferiority.
I wonder if this is something we fear…being looked down upon as “less than” those who have successful relationship and pitied instead of just being heard, listened to and feeling less alone.
I do fear that, and it seems like that is a common thread in some of the other things I’ve read.
Interesting thought, Yogagurl. I agree, who wants to feel pitied? The other thing, for me, is that the feelings that will bubble up if I’m honest with someone who cares, are going to be pretty intense. It takes a lot of energy to ‘go there’ and it’s a hard experience in public, or if the time together is limited, or a million other reasons. The other thing that makes me hold back is that my one friend would worry about me, and feel guilty when she’s too busy to make plans. It just doesn’t seem to serve any purpose.
I agree, it’s hard to talk about this stuff without getting emotional, especially when you don’t do son on a regular basis. I think if I had a regular group of brunch mates I was discussing this stuff with, it would seem less fraught.
Once when I was having a particularly rough time of it, I did give my friend a ‘tip of the iceberg’ explanation of how I was feeling. She’s very depthful and got what I was saying. Right when she said “wow … what serves as your anchor”? (I had talked about the aloneness), her cell phone rang and her husband was being rushed to the hospital. She never brought up what I had shared with her. It’s likely that she forgot it in the hubbub of the moment, but, again … what purpose does it serve for her to understand the completeness of my struggle? Was there a part of her that didn’t want the responsibility? When she asks “How are you doing”? is it important for her to’ve seen the pain? Maybe it’s enough that she just cares enough to really mean it when she asks. I do think she forgot, but, for me it almost feels like bringing a 3rd party into the relationship. Me, my friend and my pain. I’m glad that conversation got interrupted!