armor
by rantywoman
A good friend from my high school days and my twenties and early thirties is in town this weekend with her husband and new baby, both acquired in her late thirties. We had a falling out about ten years ago and haven’t seen each other since. We have tentatively reconciled and I am meeting all three for breakfast. They are here for a couple of weddings, which made me reflect on the fact that I haven’t been invited to one in about ten years. I guess I am that out of the loop.
It will be good to see her, but I do feel a bit sad. Sad that I will most likely keep things light and superficial, not only because I’ll be in the presence of her family but because I wouldn’t feel comfortable divulging what I’ve been going through regardless. She’s in a completely different place right now, and I don’t see the point. I will simply coo over the baby and keep it sunny.
I had once hoped that I would develop a fun cast of entertainment industry talents as close friends or at least find a quirky, unusual boyfriend so that I could feel, when faced with the conventional family success of my friends, that I was on another path that, while unusual and offbeat, was no less satisfying for me. Alas, I realize now that was an adolescent fantasy that appears unlikely to happen at this age.
Also. In preparation for my upcoming college reunion, I had kicked up my fitness routine a notch this year, but instead of losing weight, I’ve gained, perhaps due to the medication I’m on. I had been hoping that pride in my appearance would give me a bit of emotional armor through these upcoming reunions, but unfortunately I may be a bit defenseless– single, childless, and now with a middle-aged body to boot. Oh yes, and I am currently limping due to a flare-up, did I mention that?
A sense of humor is about the only armor I have left.
I would love to meet you at my reunion. We could enjoy a laugh and take pride in knowing we were the only truly authentic ones present! Facing issues directly takes courage that can only come from being authentic. I enjoy that far more in a person than someone whose energy goes toward remaining youthful or never saying the wrong thing.
Aww, thanks… nice to hear today!
I was thinking about your wish to keep things “sunny” (even though that is not how it turned out). It made me think of two older single family members I knew years ago. Both of them were over 60. One married 3x and has children but single for a long time. The other no kids no marriage. Both of them were considered very good looking in their youth, exceptionally so.
I was thinking about their personalities during this whole time and I would categorize it as fun and fun loving mostly but with some serious conversation here and there.
Then I remember and older person being interviewed on the success and happiness in her life, she said “lightheartedness”.
I don’t think the way you are being is wrong in anyway but I wonder if there is some wisdom to kind of developing this world view/attitude. I think the fun loving attitude of my aunts served them well and opened doors to more fun. I also know being lighthearted myself is a joy, when it happens.
I am just pondering it. I think as I get older I’ll try to adopt a more light attitude whatever sorrow maybe taking place. I think that kind of attitude can bring more fun, just when we could use it. But, of course, it’s got to be genuine, you got to have real fun and that is the key.
Going out last night and having fun did help quite a bit.