never married, over forty, a little bitter

brunch accomplished

As predicted, it was good to see my friend.  Her husband was quite nice, and their baby was cute and sweet-natured.

Also as predicted, the visit was bittersweet.  Discussing my current dilemmas turned out to be somewhat unavoidable.  I was asked if I was still in touch with two or three former girlfriends, and in each case, the answer was no.  I also had to confess that I was no longer in regular touch with anyone we attended high school with, all of whom have families now.  I revealed that I hadn’t heard from my “non-boyfriend” since we ended things.  I was asked about future plans and admitted I might be leaving my job and moving again next year because I was afraid of growing old and alone here.  Although I tried to be matter of fact about it all, I thought to myself, “Good God, I am a real Debbie Downer.”

The thing is, my friend is happy.  Of course, I know lots of people in difficult marriages, who are divorced, or who have problems with their children.  My friend, though, however rocky and uncertain her path may have been in the past, now seems content and relatively trouble-free.  She seems to be entering “the good years.”  Her sisters also both had children late in life, so there were funny stories of them visiting each other with their young kids in tow.

I do seem to be on par with them financially, so there is that.  Otherwise, the visit brought into stark relief just how unhappy I am and how difficult things have been these past few years.  I fear being Negative Nellie, but on the other hand, I cannot be truthful without admitting some of these things.

My friend, along with a few others, are dying to know the name of my blog; as you can see, I have to keep it under wraps.


A good friend from my high school days and my twenties and early thirties is in town this weekend with her husband and new baby, both acquired in her late thirties.  We had a falling out about ten years ago and haven’t seen each other since.  We have tentatively reconciled and I am meeting all three for breakfast.  They are here for a couple of weddings, which made me reflect on the fact that I haven’t been invited to one in about ten years.  I guess I am that out of the loop.

It will be good to see her, but I do feel a bit sad.  Sad that I will most likely keep things light and superficial, not only because I’ll be in the presence of her family but because I wouldn’t feel comfortable divulging what I’ve been going through regardless.  She’s in a completely different place right now, and I don’t see the point.  I will simply coo over the baby and keep it sunny.

I had once hoped that I would develop a fun cast of entertainment industry talents as close friends or at least find a quirky, unusual boyfriend so that I could feel, when faced with the conventional family success of my friends, that I was on another path that, while unusual and offbeat, was no less satisfying for me.  Alas, I realize now that was an adolescent fantasy that appears unlikely to happen at this age.

Also.  In preparation for my upcoming college reunion, I had kicked up my fitness routine a notch this year, but instead of losing weight, I’ve gained, perhaps due to the medication I’m on.  I had been hoping that pride in my appearance would give me a bit of emotional armor through these upcoming reunions, but unfortunately I may be a bit defenseless– single, childless, and now with a middle-aged body to boot.  Oh yes, and I am currently limping due to a flare-up, did I mention that?

A sense of humor is about the only armor I have left.