the tide
by rantywoman
“You’re going to hate me for saying this,” says my good friend, a married mom of three, as we stand on the beach and look toward the ocean. “But you’re never going to find a man. They’re just not out there. No single woman I know can find a guy.” She takes a breath and adds: “So you should have a baby. Do whatever it takes and have a baby. You should at least become a mother.” I don’t hate her for saying it. She is saying what so many others are thinking.
…I’m sad too, but I know I’m not the only one dealing with this. Just last week, a business colleague, a single woman in her mid-thirties, confessed that an article I wrote made her cry on the treadmill in the middle of her morning workout. “I saw myself in your writing,” she said. Later that night, an acquaintance stole me away at a party, where the ratio was at best 80/20 women to men: “I never thought it would end up this way,” the very pretty brunette told me. “I can’t believe I’m turning 40 next month and this is my life.”
“All the single women I know are fabulous,” a 50-something divorced mom and business colleague said over the phone. “I was in a meeting yesterday and looked around the room. Each woman was in your shoes. It’s a different time now than in my day. Maybe you have more financial freedom and social acceptance to wait for the right guy, but the right guys don’t seem to be coming along.”
Sadly there seems to be a window for women in which to find a partner, and if they haven’t succeeded in doing that by a certain age, their chances do drop to next to nothing. I do not recall ever being warned of this. Though I am also not sure whether knowing this in advance would have helped or not, I think I would have preferred to be in possession of all the facts just the same.
A lot of my friends did manage to find someone in their thirties, even late thirties and early forties, but yes, it does get much more difficult. I didn’t realize there would be such a drop-off in options after thirty.
My mother likes to tell me that I will find a man if I only would move back to the nyc area. I try to invoke these stats on why it will not necessarily help to move home.
In the meantime, I saw two exes on a single trip to Whole Foods the other day. It is a *very* small place sometimes.
My former city was like that; I ran into people I knew every time I stepped outside my door. It did help somewhat with the “accountability” issues. On the other hand, I got to the point where I felt like there was no one new left to date.
I’ve never lived in a small liberal creative type city. I know there are drawbacks you mentioned here but gosh, it sounds so nice a lovely. I would really like to experience it just once. It sounds cozy and more friendly and less lonely. I know you can’t say where this city is…but I am oh so curious!
The place I moved from is considered a very desirable place to live and I would say it is all those good things you listed, but it did get claustrophobic and I felt unchallenged. I might be able to go back now with a fresh perspective though.