back and forth

by rantywoman

You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan/ And the next five years trying to be with your friends again— LCD Soundsystem,  ALL MY FRIENDS

When I was in grad school in my early twenties, I was into bands and the book Edie: An American Girl.  Come graduation day,  I got scared and wanted to get married.

Instead, I moved away for my first professional job, bought real furniture, and filled my closet with a dry-clean-only wardrobe.

That phase lasted about a year.  I started watching Woodstock and began missing my hippie college days.  I ditched everything and went abroad with a youthful volunteer group.

Then I came back and did the professional job again.  Then I ditched that to live with a roommate and join a dot com, where everyone wore sneakers and shorts to work.  Then back to the professional job life.  Then the obsession with a youthful dance scene.  And so on.

My feelings about marriage and babies followed a similar trajectory.  Sometimes I really wanted to get married and have kids, and other times I delved into obsessions far from that path.

The marriage/kids desire usually coincided with times when I was lonely, lost, and unsure of my next step.  Here’s hoping I don’t spend the next forty years stuck in that mode!