a mind of my own
by rantywoman
I’m friends with a man who would make a great boyfriend for someone. He is unfailingly courteous and dependable, rare traits these days, and he has a solid career.
We hang out occasionally, but I can’t date him myself, because I’m uninterested in his primary diversions, nor do I particularly respect them, outside of respecting his rights to his own passions. I attended an event with him recently that I wasn’t particularly interested in, and I couldn’t experience the pleasure of deconstructing it with him without, I felt, insulting him, so I kept my thoughts to myself. Later that week, however, I was able to discuss the event in an intellectually fulfilling manner with another acquaintance.
I suppose it is unusual for a woman to prioritize her own intellectual development in considering a mate. Women in general are expected to mold themselves to a man’s life and interests, but I’ve never been able to do so, unless his life and interests appeal to me in the first place.
This streak only gets stronger as I age.
I can’t imagine anything more depressing than foregoing how you like to spend your time to do things you don’t really like for your mate. I wholeheartedly agree.
I can see indulging someone occasionally, but if it was a big part of how we spent our time together, than no…
Man I love this blog….so many themes that resonate with me, so sparingly yet elegantly broached (down to the graphics!) Thank you for existing 🙂
Now, on to the present topic…This theme of intellectual compatibility is precisely the factor that kept me from pursuing a relationship last year that could have easily accelerated into a committed, possibly child bearing partnership. Maybe my last chance for motherhood….. Him: Early forties, stable career, best physical chemistry ever experienced, huge heart and very compatible values and life goals. HOWEVER….and I can only say this here in the comfort of anonymity ….he just didn’t “get” me intellectually. I always felt he was a couple steps behind in his thinking process, and also had a sense of humor I found lacking in sophistication – and I am a HUGE sucker for witty banter/conversation. I had to break things off without telling him the whole story because honestly, it wasn’t something he could change and who would want to hear that from someone else? It was an incredible eye opener – that in finding a mate I actually sought an intellectual peer, or even a powerhouse, someone who could karate-chop me with their mind, so to speak. For someone who spent most of her life doubting her self-worth and mental abilities, twas quite a turnaround!
I once read that you need to score pretty high on the compatibility charts on three issues: the physical, the intellectual, and the emotional. Tall order, isn’t it?
So glad you like the blog. I feel like I’m formulating some good stuff here– a lot of it due to digesting and reacting to what other people are writing in addition to my own experiences.