adding up
by rantywoman
I fear this post is going to put the “bitter” back in “thebitterbabe.” If nothing else, it’s a good example of why I feel the need to remain anonymous. I couldn’t be this honest otherwise.
Tonight a photo on the dreaded Facebook made me angry. It was posted by a nice woman I knew in college, someone I’ve never had any beef with. Today, however, she posted a photo of her family (she and her husband have three young children ) in front of the enormous house they just purchased in a tony zipcode. Small houses in that area start at half a million.
The thing is, her husband is not a hedge fund manager. He works in a profession where he may be pulling in around 100k, give or take. While that could take you far in some parts of the country, in my current city lots of people making that kind of money still live in apartments. Same with the area of the country they are residing in.
So what gives? She doesn’t work. I feel, somehow, lied to, as if there has to be more to the story. I’m guessing something along the lines of a fairy grandmother passing away and leaving a million dollar inheritance. It just doesn’t add up.
Why does it matter? Why am I angry?
I suppose I feel misled. It’s like looking at hundreds of magazine photos of models who are somehow cellulite-free, only to learn they have all been airbrushed. There’s that feeling of failure– why am I still living in an apartment, unable to afford even one child? If there is more to the story, if it is indeed impossible for the average professional to afford their lifestyle in today’s economy, then I have been made to feel bad over something that has no reflection on me or my abilities.
In any case, that is exactly what I need to remember in the long one. In cases like this it is best to keep the blinders on.
thebitterbabe 
What you are feeling is pretty normal. I personally, would not have posted a pic like that, even if I had a house like that. Why do people do that? There is a woman on my FB who posts things like that. She and her husband are wealthy…live on a hill in the South Bay in a perfect and huge house…she often posts how much she loves her life, how she is so glad she married her husband, and the beautiful sunsets from her private home.
I have some blessings, too, (but not close to her) but I am too private to post them for everyone to see…being mindful that everyone’s situaton is different.
Now I am having doubts about my relationship but in the beginning, when I was falling in love…I didn’t post “I am fallling in love”! blah blah blah.
So you are not alone in this irritation. There is even a name for it… whatever it is “Facebook bragging”, “facebook envy”…it’s irritating when people BRAG on facebook!
Just wanted to add…your hunch that it “doesn’t add up” is probably right! Maybe what is irritating is that they dont’ disclose that…pretend they did it on their own? Make it seem like everyone can do it? Maybe that is the irritation.
Yes, exactly. I feel like our society is built on so many lies. I went to college with a lot of people who had trust funds and family money, and they were buying homes and having kids at twenty-five, all due to having that kind of leg up.
I have no idea if that is the case with this couple. But I know what he does for a living, I know what it pays, and I can’t imagine affording a wife, three kids, and an enormous home in an expensive area on that salary.
In agreement here. Not much is more annoying than those smug well-off folk who have that air of “you too could have all this if you were as intelligent/hard-working/talented/great as me” which is only made worse by the fact that they actually only got what they have by some sheer good fortune (or mis-deeds). If they showed humility and gratitude for what they have been blessed with, then I have no problem with it. Or if they actually did work their arse off to get there, but not many people do get very far on hard work alone these days.
Going to go and remember that saying: gratitude, it makes what you have, enough.
You are correct, not many people get very far on hard work alone. I’m sure her husband has worked very hard to get where he is, but it’s a field that, even at the top, does not pay a “living in a celebrity zipcode with a stay-at-home spouse and three children” kind of salary.
The caption to the photo was something along those lines but I’m trying to be vague. I would never post a photo like that either, especially if the house was purchased with family money. I would be aware of how bad it might make others feel, especially in this economy where so many people are truly struggling.
Well, I feel that way about some people who have really great jobs and benefits (I have none, I have to pay my own healthcare) and yet, as one gf says, with her very well paid government job, while owning a Prius and living in a beautiful duplex in a lovely area of town: “I just don’t know how people survive”! ??? I want to just scream when she says that. I like her but she is clueless. The way “we” survive is by not buying new cars, ever. By not going to expensive clothing shops or hair salons, by not upgrading our homes with expensive bamboo flooring for example. By not buying new furniture and simply getting all of our furniture from garage sales or second hand. By ONLY going to the doctor when we really have to and/or taking care of ourselves naturally with herbs or self care so we don’t have to. So, I understand it well. I often don’t feel comfortable with this demographic because I have no clue what it is to have such security and to have full health benefits. But that is the way it is.
A friend of mine used to tell me how a mutual acquaintance, who has a sizable inheritance and has never worked, would say of a neighbor that he “only had a few million.”
I just want to say it doesn’t bother me that others have more than me…as long as it doesn’t come from my dime and it’s coem fairly. That is the world we live in, there will always be people who have more. That is life. The key to life is to be grateful for what you have and do your best.
Having said that, the irritation here, at least in my view is not the having, but the showing the world it. Maybe your friend is simply innocent in this and this just happened to be a great pic of her family, that happened to be in front of the large house. Or maybe she meant it, who knows? But to me, the error is in the possible bragging…which doesn’t take into account the audience that has to see it all.
She may well have just wanted to show her friends her new home. I’m just feeling overly sensitive about the fact that I couldn’t remotely afford their lifestyle, although I don’t make that much less than her husband. So it’s all very puzzling to me.
But if I move the lens over, yes, I should be very grateful for what I do have– I know lots of people who are really scraping by right now.
Understandable. Whenever someone posts something I don’t have I feel it, too. But keep in mind you are doing very well. I make a fraction of what you make. Imagine being poorish AND not having a mate,too!
I googled the woman today to see what else she is up to and the first thing that popped up was info on the home sale (wow, everything is on the net these days). It looks like they bought the least-expensive home in the area, which is still at the absolute max of what someone in his salary range could afford. So maybe they didn’t have family help but instead are living to the edge of their means, especially considering that he is close to or over 50, has three small children, and is in an unstable field. That doesn’t sound enviable to me at all– it sounds stressful beyond belief. Not for me.
I was having similar feelings and doubts about myself recently (except for the having kids part—I’m not interested in kids), and also wondering why some people seem to have it easy while I have to work harder but don’t see any real results.
It is hard to avoid comparing yourself to others.