never married, over forty, a little bitter

Month: March, 2012


In addition to my self-accusation of “selfish” yesterday, let me add “inflexible” today.  I’m trying really hard to remain open to going to things I’m invited to that don’t particularly appeal to me, but it is difficult.  I have a few friends that routinely invite me to events that I feel lukewarm about at best, and I imagine rushing home from work, eating poorly, skipping the gym, driving a half hour in traffic, searching for parking, and then sitting for two hours or standing in a crowd to participate in something I’m just not all that interested in.

I can go out to events twice, maybe three times, a week, tops, and the ones that take place after work are especially difficult to attend (although I also hate to overschedule my weekends).  Anything more than that utterly exhausts me, especially with the way things are going at my day job, so when I already have happenings of my own I want to attend, it is very difficult to add new ones to my plate.

I wish, instead, these friends would ask me to meet for a cup of coffee or a drink or a walk and some conversation.  Now that I could fit in.

Regardless, I do fear becoming too set in my ways and turning my few friends down too many times.


My friends tell me I’m a very good listener; I hope that’s the truth.  I know it’s something I have worked on because in my past, in my haste to empathize, I used to interrupt people all the time.

It’s a nice compliment to hear because sometimes I think that being unmarried and childless has left me in a state of unmet needs that has caused me to be self-centered, as if I’m in a constant state of me, me, me, what about me?


Part of my “middle-aged” blues over the weekend had to do with wondering who I was, if I was no longer young.  I thought I had come to terms with getting older, but Saturday I realized that I haven’t completely shed my identity as a young person– a person who has her whole life ahead of her, who can still have a family, who can potentially turn men’s heads when she walks into a room.

We probably never completely lose our former perspectives, even as we slowly morph into new ones.


This past weekend was like night and day.  Saturday I went clothes shopping, which is always a challenge at this age, as I feel caught in the no-woman’s-land between Forever 21 and “plus-size” apparel.  Between that and the feeling that there are NO MEN LEFT, I became quite disheartened about the land of middle age.  It seemed like a horrible, hopeless place– a slide into diminishing possibilities.

Then I went to a show, felt some attraction and intellectual stimulation again, and zing, felt better.  I’m also conquering some of the physical challenges from my chronic illness and am getting back to where I used to be in yoga and dance class, which is invigorating, as I found out in a class on Sunday.

Who knows, maybe I can unlock my kundalini… there’s a new goal!

bucking convention

I liked this post, because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot, especially in regard to modifying my forty-hour-workweek existence:

Recently, I’ve been attracted to a younger man who is quite a free spirit as well as a sixty-year-old (!) who is immensely talented in his field (although not particularly financially successful) and who has never had children, or as far as I know, been married.  I’m usually not attracted to older men but I feel immensely curious about this latter person and frankly I find him sexy as hell.  At this point in life, with the family agenda off the table, I think, why not?

brain led

Perhaps I am led by the heart, but I think my heart is in turn led by my brain’s need for stimulation.  I do seem to become interested, practicality be damned, in those people who have unusual talents in something I want to learn or learn about, whether it is dance, music, comedy, etc.   Or they live an intriguing alternative lifestyle or show an ability to successfully break the rules.

But you know what they say about curiosity.


I made it past the photo-swapping phase with the online gentleman, but after a couple of lengthy emails (with no mention of getting together) he disappeared.  I’m irritated at another waste of time but honestly I didn’t find him overly interesting.

Instead of dancing last night I went to a late-night show at my favorite alternative theater, and it lit up my brain in all the right ways, making it difficult to sleep despite the late hour when I got home.  If I had to pinpoint the reason I’m still single, it may be that I will always choose something stimulating over something safe.  My brain is continually hungry for the original and offbeat and funny and smart, even when those qualities are encapsulated in the broke and/or unreliable (as they too often are).

One of my favorite authors, Cleo Odzer, wrote a book called Patpong Sisters in which she fell in love with a Thai prostitute half her age.  I recall her writing that she just never knew where her heart would lead her, but it was rarely, if ever, with the safe, logical choice. I definitely play it safer than she did, but I certainly related to the sentiment.

history matters

From 1960!

one of those days

I’m having one of those days where I feel like there are absolutely no eligible men left.

This past week I perked up after meeting someone who is throwing an event at my workplace.  I was suddenly intrigued although I’d met him once before.  He doesn’t have a Facebook page, but after a bit of sleuthing I found a video interview of him online and noticed he was wearing a wedding ring.

In a desultory mood I searched a free dating site this morning and found one person who compelled me to contact him.  He did write back, but the photo exchange hasn’t happened yet, so I need to get that hurdle over with before I let myself get interested.

I went to a theater event a few days ago that I enjoyed, attended a dance class this weekend, and will be going out dancing tonight.  Trying to do what I can to keep despair at bay.


I have a good gay male friend who tells me that many men on dating sites who list themselves as “straight” contact him for dates, so I found this interesting:

He is also approached for hookups by numerous men married to women.

I would estimate that maybe 20% of the men I’ve gone on dates with have been closeted.  It’s frustrating because I often want to say, “Just come clean and we can be friends.”