buzzkill
by rantywoman
The date. He was prompt, polite, paid for coffee, had all the requisite social skills. We had a stimulating conversation and some potential for chemistry. He is dissatisfied with his current career and uncertain of new directions–not ideal, perhaps, but I can hardly blame someone for something I feel myself.
At the end of the date, a surprise factoid. He is divorced after a long marriage. Well, not technically divorced; the paperwork has been filed and separate residences established, but the divorce has not been finalized yet.
Perhaps at this age this complication is relatively inconsequential; I don’t know, but it was definitely dampening.
thebitterbabe 
Not inconsequential per se but interesting that you did not know this snippet of info beforehand. Did he misrepresent himself then? If so, that is definitely more consequential.
Always pleasing to have a nice date not with a nutter though. In spirit of counting ones blessings maybe that’s enough.
It may be that he didn’t tell you because he would like to get to know you properly. I can see why he didn’t say it beforehand. You don’t love the fact that he’s divorced, and maybe if you’d known that you wouldn’t have dated him. I wouldn’t put too much empasis on it, if in all other respects (kindness, conversation, chemistry) he has appeal. There’s lots of things, that, in life, people will obscure (probably everyone on facebook or linkedin does!) until there is an appropriate moment to reveal it, or so they present the best possible face to the world, or, sometimes things are not said as it can be hurtful for the other person to hear. Also, if he’s going on a relationship site, or a date with the aim to meet someone, and before it happens he discloses he is divorced, that’s basically him saying he wasn’t able to make the relationship work….not the best admission before meeting a new woman!
Maybe it’s also something that he is uncomfortable or sad to talk about.
I just think – if he’s a nice guy – give him a chance. People get divorced for many reasons.
It’s not that he’s divorced per se but that’s he’s still officially married and in the thick of finalizing the divorce. It makes me wonder whether he would really be ready to jump into another relationship. He might be anxious to date new people, but he may need to sow his oats/ emotionally repair himself. I’ve spent the last twelve years single, he’s spent those years married and is only now getting out of it… I don’t know…
Another difference between men and woman for good or bad. Women often need much more downtime between relationships while so many men will hop into another quickly. I agree, I can’t relate and I’d be wary, too.
I don’t know – in my experience men, like women, are individuals – and it depends on the person. I don’t really buy into simple dichotomies of men/women married/unmarried, or that men go into relationships more quickly then women. This may be true of some men, as it may be true of some women, but – people are people, and very different. If he’s nice and interested, and you find him appealing – I would find out more about him/the divorce/his life before making a fast decision about whether he’s trustworthy, or lying to you.
Mia I know people are people. We know that not all women act alike and not all men act alike. I think we all know that. Having said that there are some thing men do more of…and that is jump into relationships more quickly than women. It’s not just me saying this, it’s the experience of many women.
Hi Yoga Gurl,
(btw – that was MissM, not me that you were replying to in the “Hope and Propaganda” thread, not me 🙂
No, I disagree…most of the men I know – in fact more men, than women – are in serious relationships and want to be in one. These men don’t jump from one to another, and certainly not more quickly than women.
And, yes, it may – of course, as you say – be the experience of many women that men jump quickly into relationships. But, as I am pointing out – it is also Not the experience of women..therefore you cannot make a generalisation that men are more likely to ‘jump into relationships more quickly’ as an experience or view held by all women.
Saying all this – it’s also more than likely that if you are dating, and meeting men that are not married – then yes, I am sure they maybe do jump into relationships more quickly then women. But this is also likely why they are unmarried and/or divorced/seperated.
To make a generalistion about men or women you would have to take on board All men and All women (obviously, this would not be possible – although broad research undertaken can give a glimps) or it’s not representative of anything more than one singular experience (in this case, yours). I have a huge (!!) problem with negative generalistions about people..women And men. All the men I have known have been respectful, kind, honest and trustworthy…and I don’t think to disbarage an entire gender (I am Not saying this what you did Or meant )- is helpful or right (in the same way, it’s wrong for men to generalise women).