benched
by rantywoman
This past week I forced myself to go to a dance. I love the idea of dancing– the dressing-up and touch and music and skill involved. As I’ve written before, though, I’ve enjoyed it less and less over the years and resent getting dressed up and taking the time to go out and paying to get in somewhere, only to spend most of the evening on the bench.
Despite these misgivings, I made the effort once more. The entire drive there I kept considering turning around and going home, as I was tired and feeling like I’d been down this road enough to know it probably wasn’t going to be worth the effort. I will say there are one or two places where I do get asked to dance repeatedly and do have fun, but for the most part it’s been a losing endeavor.
I arrived and took a seat and a nice woman in a darling dress sat down next to me. We sat and sat. At some point she leaned over and said, “Look at all those men just standing around over there, not asking anyone to dance.” Every one of them was a decent dancer but I guess preferred to sit out a bunch of numbers due to fatigue or fear of asking someone new or disinclination to dance with anyone they considered beneath them. The woman next to me said she used to regularly attend this particular dance but had quit out of frustration and hadn’t been back in a long time. I shared her frustration, as this is something I’ve observed numerous times– men standing around not dancing, oblivious (or not) to the long row of women who have been sitting, sitting, sitting, waiting to dance.
I kept thinking that this is why I only participate in ballet and belly dance and other solo dance endeavors now– because when I go somewhere intending to dance, I want to dance! Somehow this seems like a good metaphor for my whole life at this time. If I want to do something, it’s entirely up to me.
I admire you. I also think you must have a very varied life – and cultured! I wonder though, I know you cite a few reasons as to why the men didn’t ask anyone to dance, but from reading this post – perhaps the men also felt insecure, and vulnerable and were waiting to get up the urge to ask someone. Why not ask them? If they are men, and single, and have made the effort to get out, as you did, to dance – I would bet their number one priority would be to dance with and meet a woman. I wonder, as the men that went were single (I’m assuming?) – they may have been hurt in relationships/or turned down by women – and may be feeling “unworthy” to ask you to dance.
If you look like kate winslet – and you are clearly! very educated and cultured, and you are a good dancer – it’s more likely they may have been nervous to ask you to dance. They probably thought you might turn them down.
Just a thought.
It’s possible, but I will say, there are lots and lots of beautiful women on this dance scene (tango), so it’s not like I stand out, and these men do dance with other women (although perhaps they know them from classes). I used to ask men to dance when I was a swing dancer, but in this tango, I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
Tango! wow, that is impressive. I love dance, but ballet, jazz and tap as a kid and a teen is the extent of my dance background. I lived in california for while some years ago, and really loved swing – but never was able to really take it up.
Yes – I can see that asking men to dance the tango is a different thing (I thought, maybe it was swing). I still think it is likely that they are nervous though, esp if it’s the same men that sit it out. The tango is pretty technical from watching it, maybe it can be a bit nervewracking for some to dance it with others there (or maybe that’s just how I would feel!)
You sound very accomplished with regard to dance and theatre – have you ever been to a theatre writing group type thing? I went to one years ago and there were always lots of men at it.
Interesting– I haven’t been to a writing group for theater.
I am sorry to hear of your disappointment with dancing and I truly hope you find a dancing venue where you can again have more fun and mingle in. Having said that I am now so curious about this world! Not that I think I’d have better luck than you…I just love the idea of social dancing and wearing swirling dresses (I saw great patterns for these kind of dresses in the sewing store but never had the opportunity to wear them). Now I know where I could wear them! I wish I could find a dancing scene to not only dance, socialize and have fun but to wear those dresses I’ve been lusting after for many years. I am so curious to the dresses you wore! You make me wish I was aware of this world earlier. Oh, you know what? Cross that out…I remember when I was taking ballet, modern etc and I remember having the thought that doing social dancing would be more fulfilling. But I didn’t follow my own intuition! Partly because I never met anyone in that world. But thanks for opening up our eyes.
I started with ballroom dancing at a studio. It was a real awakening, much like in the Japanese film “Shall We Dance?”. Swing was still big at that time, so I got into that, and then into lindy hop, which is a very fun but difficult dance to learn. It was a tremendously fun and social time for me. From there salsa and Argentine tango.
Argentine tango is still quite popular but the swing/lindy scene has mostly (unfortunaly) died out. The diehards still lindy but unfortunately they can be quite cluiquesh. There are still regular venues for it though, just not as many. The Argentine tango is a beautiful dance but the crowd is a bit eccentric for my taste.
What I experienced with dance is that there are a small number of attractive men who participate, and they have their pick of women. There is a much larger number of men who seemingly use dance as their best way of getting near women because they don’t have a lot else going for them in regard to interpersonal skills.
I’m happy just to dance with whomever, but too often in the past few years it seems I am sitting around with a lot of appealing women, waiting and hoping that some not-so-appealing men (to me, although again, I don’t care if they can dance!) will ask us to dance a number.
Maybe it’s a sign of the times, but I see a lot more attractive men in my yoga classes!