practicality vs. psychology
by rantywoman
I share Olivia’s despair (http://readinginthebath.com/2012/03/20/childless-reflections-on-lifes-longing-for-itself/) at this psychiatrist’s quote in the book “Childless: Reflections of Life’s Longing for Itself”:
“ ‘I think when people make a decision not to have children it’s really important to think about where that has come from, because the female body is designed to reproduce … At a very basic level that’s how we’re built. Therefore the conscious decision to override that basic biological given is often related to things that have happened since birth.’ Among those things could be a difficult, ‘dyssynchronous’ parent-child relationship, a significant death in the family, or severe emotional, physical or sexual abuse – the latter in particular, she says. All are examples of what might contribute to a decision to negate our natural tendency towards motherhood.”
What really annoys me about the quote is that while women may have a “natural tendency towards motherhood” (and even that is debatable for many women), there are numerous practical constraints against it– lack of daycare options, lack of healthcare options, lack of flexible work schedules, lack of decent partners, and on and on and on. I’m sure there are many, many women who decide against having children because the circumstances just don’t support it. I think it’s quite judgmental to assume they have all come from severely dysfunctional backgrounds! One of the things that has always made me wary of therapists is my fear that they will view everything as a personal problem or failing and ignore the larger societal context, and her quote certainly feeds into that.
Thank you for saying that. I never had a strong desire to have children and I often wonder why (and wonder if this was a mistake and I should’ve just done it) but I would never say I dont’ feel like a woman or don’t have “womanly” feelings, tendencies, etc. I feel very nurturing, I love beauty, the arts, etc. I don’t feel it’s due ot any “trauma” (although she might be right). I think of it as more what our soul is dictating for this life…we all have a different path to live. I really feel my soul was not dictating that. How do I know? Because there are other things that my soul has dictated that is very clear!
I remember reading on another single woman’s blog one poster wrote how she wants so bad for her uterus to be “used”. She had a clear and strong desire…something I didn’t relate to. It made me wish for her to have what she wants…it seems wrong she couldn’t have it with such a strong desire.
Having said that I agree, there are economic and cultural factors at play here too even for women who have a burning desire to have children.
I can’t believe that a psychiatrist even has ideas like this – I am surprised she even qualifies herself to be a psychiatrist when she tars people who don’t want children with some false belief. I have never wanted children because the thought of going through a pregnancy is something I would hate to go through and I am just not prepared to devote around 18 years of my life into raising and taking care of a child. I know it sounds very selfish but it’s just the way I feel. I have always had a fantastic relationship with my parents and I have never experienced someone close to me dying so what this psychiatrist is saying is quite unbelievable.
“The doll is one of the most imperious needs and, at the same time, one of the most charming instincts of feminine childhood. To care for, to clothe, to deck, to dress, to undress, to redress, to teach, scold a little, to rock, to dandle, to lull to sleep, to imagine that something is some one, – therein lies the whole woman’s future. While dreaming and chattering, making tiny outfits, and baby clothes, while sewing little gowns, and corsages and bodices, the child grows into a young girl, the young girl into a big girl, the big girl into a woman. The first child is the continuation of the last doll.
A little girl without a doll is almost as unhappy, and quite as impossible, as a woman without children.”
Victor Hugo
Les Miserables
I had one baby doll as a child that I really liked. I also love to sew. However, I don’t have a need to have a baby. Seriously.
Ok. I’m sure many women have read this and thought (quite rightly) they will ignore it, and not worthy of a response. Which it is not – particularly in context of the original post. But I am going to respond because it is so wrong.
“A little girl without a doll is almost as unhappy, and quite as impossible, as a woman without children”.
??
Yes, some girls will feel like this. Just like some girls won’t. The above quote is firstly, only representative of the personality of one type of girl, and secondly, was written by a man in the 19th century – and he would have been shaped by the morals/values of that time (and which was before female emancipation).
If I gave a quote that said boys are only real boys/men if they do only ONE of the following: say, “play sports”. And, in fact You didn’t play sports much but preferred debate, painting reading does that mean you are not a real man?
People – women and men – are infinitely more complex than can be surmised from Any quote or single idea.
And – in relation to the quote – you don’t know Victor Hugo’s family background, his upbringing – how he felt about his mother. Perhaps she was reserved and distant, and his ideal women – told through his writing – was one which lived for her child. Also, his daughter died at 19 shortly after being married and before kids – and which he was devastated about – it is also possible (I don’t know when the quote above was written) he wrote it as a homage to his daughter – as he thought she might have felt. In any case, to put up a qoute by a man written in the 19th century – about the assumed ideal of dolls/children – as, in any way valid or relevant to all women in the 21st is both laughable and insulting.
J2…why do you come here? You seem to post only the most negative, futile posts in relation to this board. You dont’ seem to agree with anything we say or feel…why do you come here?
YG, I come here to get my bearings; I am very much perplexed by contemporary relationship matters, which may be evident in my posts here, and I seek resolution to my heartbreak. Would you believe that there is an un-reconstructed 19th century romantic kicking around in this time of amazing transformation? “Negative” maybe, but “futile” seems a bit harsh, but then I may be completely wrong.
The book ends with this:
He sleeps.Although so much he was denied,
He lived; and when his dear love left him, died.
It happened of itself, in the calm way
That in the evening night-time follows day.
Victor Hugo, Les Miserables. Penguin Classics, p1201.