mirror (look in one)
by rantywoman
I was listening to an interview this week in which the man being interviewed, who is married and the father of daughters, said that he looks at his wife’s friends “who used to be hot at 35” and now they are 41, 42 (his age) and just… “not.”
“They’ve had a couple of kids, and it’s sad to see them still trying to get by on their looks,” he said, “but I feel kind-of vindicated now because it was hard for me to get girls when I was younger.”
“And I feel like we, as men, get better-looking as we age,” he said.
So of course I had to immediately google his photo, and naturally he is your average, flabby and pasty, middle-aged dude. Compared to photos of him ten years ago, he is not getting better-looking. I won’t be cruel enough to post his name because in other respects he seems like a decent person (although perhaps that makes his comments all the more insidious).
Personally I think he is confusing objective attractiveness with the fact that men are still seen as attractive by society when they are no longer young while women are not. It is reminiscent of the way that women are expected to have exceptionally slim physiques while men are acceptable at any weight short of obese. And just as an aside, from all the reports I’ve heard of school reunions, it’s the women who have aged better than the men, since they have worked harder at keeping themselves up.
And don’t get me started (again?) on the middle-aged men who are still bitter that they couldn’t get the head cheerleader in high school, conveniently ignoring the fact that they quite likely bypassed the average girls who may have been in their league.
What depresses me even further about his comments is that he has an over-40 wife and a couple of daughters. I know lots of women who are married to men with these kinds of attitudes; I guess they feel like being married is worth it, and I guess I just don’t.
I think it’s a good thing to be aware that these attitudes exist, but I’m trying hard not to let them ground me down. The stress of my job and the depressing economy is enough for that. It does make me hesitate about getting involved with an older man though because I hate to play into this mindset.
I’ve decided that all I can do is continue to pursue those activities that make me feel good about myself and my body. That way there are areas in my life where I am still growing and learning and improving, despite some of the attitudes that exist about women my age.
Oh how very true. Men will lament not getting girls when what they mean is they didn’t get “the head cheerleader in high school” and very conveniently ignore “the fact that they quite likely bypassed the average girls who may have been in their league”. Unfortunately while these men might find their popularity increases with age, those same average girls who were bypassed earlier never actually get their day in the sun.
So this particular fellow thinks it is sad to see these women still trying to “get by on their looks”. Maybe this would not be the case if women were actually valued by society for something other than their looks in the first place. Sadly we live in a world where a female news reader will lose her job once she reaches that ‘certain age’ since her mature looks are no longer considered suitable for the viewing public, while her male counterpart gets to remain until he chooses to retire.
Ah well, it is double standards like these that could have me ranting, but that would change nothing, so instead I will aim for the serenity to accept what I cannot change.
Exactly Miss M. The girls who were awkward as teens but grow into themselves and become more attractive with age are then dismissed for being too “old.”
I also agree that it’s ironic that men like this seemingly value looks in women above all else and then complain endlessly that women manipulate men with their looks. And the women who don’t behave this way don’t count because they weren’t seen in the first place, and if they are aging well it doesn’t matter, because they are invisible as older single women and lumped in with the women who used to have “their pick of men” and are now “getting their just desserts.”
I am speechless. You guys said it all. While in general I like men for many reasons I do NOT like this aspect of them. It is so arrogant, so entitled, so un emotionally generous. Blech. And they don’t even have to bear children! Imagine if they had to, how THEY would look.
I wonder what this writer means when he says “they try to get by on their looks”. What does that mean?
I think you should post the interview. This man and men and general need to wake up to the truth. Seriously. I would consider it needed intervention for him, to help him be a better person, husband, father, etc.
I hate to say it…but my bf falls into this category of being pasty. I don’t like it! I still allowed him to pursue me because I loved his mind, his attitudes, his values. I guess having a strong career on his end balances things out but it’s not easy for me. I must admit the attraction is waning, sad to say.
But see, unlike most men, I am willing to give my man a chance and see him as a whole person while so many men won’t give women with other attributes to make up for their lack of “hotness”.
I wonder if my bf would be with ME at all if I wasn’t still “cute”.
*shaking head*
I have a hard time with obesity, but I could accept just about anything else if the intellectual and emotional attraction was strong. That said, I feel like people who don’t take care of their bodies are doing a disservice to their sexuality.
Men are so lucky women will take into account things like intellect and emotional attraction and that we also have a wide variety of preferences in what we see as physically attractive features. There is one thing I find hard to tolerate though, something that is all too common in men, that being a total lack of any effort whatsoever in their presentation.
I agree! And it isn’t that kind to their partners! I work hard to “keep up” (mostly for me) but still…I am glad to give that gift to my partner. Oh…see, even with someone the stress just morphs into another type of stress!