The combination of meditation and the idea that my days in my current city are numbered is causing me to see things in a clearer light these days.
I do have a newfound enthusiasm for exploring this place before I leave. Yet as I drove around yesterday, there was a moment in there where I allowed myself to feel some sadness again that things have not worked out differently for me when it comes to romance. As with all my other moves (six or seven at this point), I arrived here alone (in my late thirties, which in and of itself was both crazy and brave) and will be leaving alone. I did indeed get left standing in the musical chairs of life, and the chances of that changing at this point are slim indeed.
A few years ago a man pursued me but for a variety of reasons I felt he was definitely not the right one for me. He got engaged to someone else recently, and while I’m happy that he has found someone, I wonder again that I have been unable to do so.
In any case, what I felt in reflection was not an overwhelming sense of grief but more like a passing cloud of melancholy, and it is mixed in with my decidedly more critical view of society’s mania for coupling.